Single Throwback Sunday: A single excuse.

0
In school, teachers don’t let you get away with excuses.  If you didn’t have a paper or other homework assignment with you when it was due then an excuse just wasn’t going to cut it.  “What?” teachers would say accusingly, “Did your dog eat your homework?” No.  I just didn’t manage my time in order to actually finish the work but who wanted to admit that?  There was no excuse, that’s what we both knew, I just wanted them to give me the favor of believing that I had a dog who really wanted to eat my homework that particular night before a mid-term project was due.   I wanted some extra time. But we don’t get viable excuses to use in real life and that’s what our teachers knew before we did – that was the lesson they were teaching us all along.
 
If you are one of my loyal followers then you may have noticed my multiple-week absence.  No, my dog didn’t eat my laptop and my great-great-great distant relative, twice removed, didn’t pass away.  There was nothing even close to these unfortunate situations.   I simply didn’t have enough time in the day to actually try to fit in time to flirt with a boy whom I barely know or analyze the messaging techniques that I use when communicating with a mysterious bachelor on the internet and then write some witty words describing the situation.
 
It’s all fun and games until he grows up
to eat your boyfriend.
From: http://static.gotpetsonline.com/pictures-gallery/
dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/
english-shepherd-dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/
pictures/english-shepherd-dog-0003.jpg
And, as I write this, I can only wonder what my time management skills will mean for me in the coming years.  What if I don’t have time to sit down and flirt? What if I end up alone because I couldn’t manage my time well enough to actually try to get me a man? What excuse would I use then? Because some day, about twenty years from now, my mother is going to look at me and ask me why I’m the only one of her daughters who hasn’t given her grandchildren.  I’ll have to look down at my shoes while I mumble something about how the dog ate my boyfriend.  
 
There is no denying that is a viable excuse but that doesn’t mean I can use it all the time.  There is not a single excuse that I can use now that will make me feel like I have accomplished anything more. Nothing will convince me that I have found love, that I have traveled.  There are no excuses for life.  All that can be done is your best.  That’s what I’m doing – my best.  I’m just finding that it’s not enough these days which means I’m going to have to do better than my best.  Will that require even less sleep from me? Yes.  Will that require some serious planning? Yes.  Will that require me to stop asking so many questions in my blog? Yes.  I’m going to do more.  Stop making excuses for myself and keep the masses entertained with more blogs.  
 
But you all should know that my blog did eat my homework.  
 
I couldn’t resist that one.
 
But, really, it did.
 
 
 

A single mistake.

0

I was in the back of Josh’s cab when I realized I was making a mistake.

I smelled like sweat, pizza, and Josh’s cologne.  I had just come from work at the Pizza Place and  my hair had something in it, pizza sauce I thought, and I was dying to just chill out with Josh at the end of the double I’d worked.  So why was one of his hands up my shirt while the other tried to pull my hand over to his crotch?

And why, might I repeat, was I doing this in the back of his taxi cab?

So I stopped it.  I just sat back, readjusted my bra, shirt, hair, and pants before I requested to be brought home.  And I know he was mad, blue-balled to the extreme, and felt led on.  But, in my time, I’ve come to realize that you don’t keep doing something when you’ve had an epiphany as clear as the one I had on that vomit-stained backseat.  I just needed to go home and have that be the end.

I’m still not sure why Josh and I even started doing what we were doing.

Maybe I did it for the free rides.  I mean, he’s a taxi driver and I didn’t have a car and I like to partake in drinking festivities that happen across the street from the Pizza Place.  That was a pretty sweet deal, not having to worry about finding a taxi when bars closed.

But, I thought it was more for a little while.  Or convinced myself it was more and that I needed it to be so.

And with a half-hearted wave to Josh as I closed the car door, I was single again.

I’m not sure what I was expecting.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t roses.  Definitely not chocolates.  Perhaps it was just some sign from someone, Romantic Jesus, I guess, telling me that this guy was the one that wouldn’t screw me over.  This is the guy that wouldn’t let me down.  This is the guy that would wake up and not be ashamed that he woke up in the same bed as me.  But there was no sign.

A single temperature shift.

2

It’s gotten significantly cooler.

Wait.  Did you adjust the thermostat? Because now it’s hotter than a summer day in Hell.

Oh wait, apparently Hell has frozen over because it’s cold again.

Hot and cold.  Hot and cold.  I’m having hot flashes and I’m not going through premature menopause.

As always, my main ailment are boys.  All boys have a tendency to do this.  They will be into you one second and then BAM! they are as out of tune with you as Miley Cyrus is autotuned.

So why do they do this?  If I could answer this question I would probably win some sort of Nobel Peace Prize or something.  My main theory is that the moon needs to be in line with Jupiter and Uranus for him to consistently be interested.  Another theory I’ve been working on is that maybe, if he doesn’t seem totally into you, that he probably isn’t totally into you.

I just watched “He’s Just Not That Into You…” so there is a 90.45% chance that my reasoning has be muddled with all that bullshit “exception theory” but they could be on to something despite how pathetic the girls in that movie are.  He will totally be into you (none of that hot and cold nonsense) when he is actually interested in you.

Simple.  Right?

Not quite.

Because this hot and cold nonsense has us reeling 24/7.  When it’s hot we think that maybe he is into us.  And when it’s cold, well, we just want to believe that he’s still interested, just busy.

So, not only do we have to deal with his mind games, we have to deal with our own.  After cramps, over-analyzing things is another reason why it sucks to be a woman.

The only thing I can think of telling anyone in this situation to do, that may help, is do what I’ve done while writing this post.  Pour yourself some wine from a box and listen to Katy Perry’s song “Hot N’ Cold.”

Ten Ways to Get A Guy to Chase After You

9

Ladies and Gentlegays!

Step right up! Have you ever felt that all you do is run after the boys you like? Can you remember the last time you were actually pursued? Then A Single Blog has the solution for you: ten, count them, TEN, simple tricks to get your guy to chase after you.

So gather round.  Don’t push, don’t push.  Pull up your chairs and share with your friends.  And I implore you to try these untested methods of man baiting.

TEN WAYS TO GET MEN TO CHASE AFTER YOU (for a change)

10. Bacon Perfume: This might be a stretch but seeing as everyone loves bacon and girls already wear perfume to lure boys in then maybe A+B truly equals C.  Maybe Bacon Perfume to get boys to follow after you is the right choice.  And if your targeted boy is the earthy-crunchy, non-bacon eating type (why people don’t eat bacon is beyond me) then you can always summon them with the sultry scent of Tofu Perfume. 

9.  Give it the Good Old Fashion Caveman Try: Club him over the head and drag him behind you.  This is for the more desperate of women but, if this is your last resort then, at least, he is following behind you. And kidnapping is a lesser offense.

8. Sneaky Bitch: Make him think he wants you by acting like you don’t think he’s the bee’s knees.  CAUTION: This will backfire if you end up acting like a complete bitch.  As one of the girls I interviewed about for this list said, “You want him to question himself. Force him to ask himself ‘do I like this girl?'”  That may sound counter intuitive but if you look at any real love situation you’ll see that the guy isn’t always, necessarily, 100% sure of what he wants right away.  It’s always about that chase.

7. Milkshake: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they are like it is better than yours is… or something like that.  Either way I’m assuming that if I make a damn good milkshake then boys will be flocking to my backyard for a party.  That has to be what Kelis was talking about.  I’m sure of it.  Try it out, let me know.

6. Be Easy going: Obviously this means that you need to be as low maintenance as possible.  Don’t be like Alex and send all those obnoxious text messages... Independence is key to attracting guys – who wants to be with the clingy girl?

5. The Beer Can on a Stick Trick: This is a simple little project.  Get the beer of your guy’s choice and tie it to a string that’s attached to a stick or fishing rod or something sturdy.  Hang it behind of you and just out of your guy’s grasps.  RUN! Look behind you! He will be chasing eagerly.

4. Pie in the Window: Learn to cook or bake.  That’s it.  Boys are controlled by two things: their stomachs and their penises.  Both are easy to appease but one involves less work.

3. Sports Sandwich: Sandwich boards are relatively cheap to buy.  So invest.  Get a sign that, front and back, reads: “I’ll let you watch sports whenever you want and never complain!” Boom.  And he’s off after you.

2. Video Game Seductions: Cut a hole in your backpack so that when you put a TV in anyone walking behind you can see the screen.  Add a game console and casually drop a wireless controller in front of a boy as you walk away.  He will want to play video games so badly that he’ll follow you to your house.

1. Sofia Vergara Suit: A little bit harder to obtain but it should work wonders.  She’s hot.  Hell, I would chase after her if I saw her walking down the street.

The Do’s and Don’ts of the Online Dating Profile

0



Alright, I’ve been doing this OkCupid thing long enough to see some common mistakes in the online dating profile.  I’ve decided to list them here for you today so that, if you ever find yourself in the realms of the online dating world, you won’t make the same mistakes as these poor souls.
DO: Put a picture of yourself, a loved pet or you in a quirky setting/scenario
DON’T: Have pictures of you without a shirt on taken in the bathroom mirror.
Oddly enough, I don’t want to sleep with you on the first date.  So, as a rule of thumb, I don’t want to see your half-naked body before the first date either.  
DO: Be witty when describing yourself.  
The more creative, the better you come across to others.  It shows that you have personality.
DON’T: Start off by saying “I don’t really know what to say about myself.”
If you don’t know how to describe yourself to others then maybe you should take some time learning about yourself before you try to date others.
DO: List off your activities, likes and dislikes, and interests.  
DON’T: Include your profound interest in “finding and catching them bitches.” 
Obviously that hobby isn’t working out for you, otherwise you wouldn’t be on this site.
DO: Write the way you speak in a day to day conversation.
DON’T: Use words that you don’t know the meanings of – it definitely doesn’t help your cause using those big words you don’t know how to pronounce. 
With the convenience of Google these days I can easily search a word and find out that you’re a dumbass. 
DO: Use proper grammar and punctuation.  It’s not hard to do and it makes your profile easier to read and comprehend.
DON’T: Be annoying.  
Yeah, I didn’t have anything else for why you should use grammar so I thought I would sum everything up by saying this.  Trust me, this is the best piece of advice I can give.  If you are annoying in your profile then no one is going to date you.  

A single excuse.

0
In school, teachers don’t let you get away with excuses.  If you didn’t have a paper or other homework assignment with you when it was due then an excuse just wasn’t going to cut it.  “What?” teachers would say accusingly, “Did your dog eat your homework?” No.  I just didn’t manage my time in order to actually finish the work but who wanted to admit that?  There was no excuse, that’s what we both knew, I just wanted them to give me the favor of believing that I had a dog who really wanted to eat my homework that particular night before a mid-term project was due.   I wanted some extra time. But we don’t get viable excuses to use in real life and that’s what our teachers knew before we did – that was the lesson they were teaching us all along.
If you are one of my loyal followers then you may have noticed my multiple-week absence.  No, my dog didn’t eat my laptop and my great-great-great distant relative, twice removed, didn’t pass away.  There was nothing even close to these unfortunate situations.   I simply didn’t have enough time in the day to actually try and fit in time to flirt with a boy whom I barely know or analyze the messaging techniques that I use when communicating with a mysterious bachelor on the internet and then write some witty words describing the situation.
It’s all fun and games until he grows up
 to eat your boyfriend.
From: http://static.gotpetsonline.com/pictures-gallery/
dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/
english-shepherd-dog-pictures-breeders-puppies-rescue/
pictures/english-shepherd-dog-0003.jpg
And, as I write this, I can only wonder what my time management skills will mean for me in the coming years.  What if I don’t have time to sit down and flirt? What if I end up alone because I couldn’t manage my time well enough to actually try and get me a man? What excuse would I use then? Because some day, about twenty years from now, my mother is going to look at me and ask me why I’m the only one of her daughters who hasn’t given her grandchildren.  I’ll have to look down at my shoes while I mumble something about how the dog ate my boyfriend.  
There is no denying that is a viable excuse but that doesn’t mean I can use it all the time.  There is not a single excuse that I can use now that will make me feel like I have accomplished anything more. Nothing will convince me that I have found love, that I have traveled.  There are no excuses for life.  All that can be done is your best.  That’s what I’m doing – my best.  I’m just finding that it’s not enough these days which means I’m going to have to do better then my best.  Will that require even less sleep from me? Yes.  Will that require some serious planning? Yes.  Will that require me to stop asking so many questions in my blog? Yes.  I’m going to do more.  Stop making excuses for myself and keep the masses entertained with more blogs.  
But you all should know that my blog did eat my homework.  
I couldn’t resist that one.
But, really, it did.

A single, online, attempt to finding love.

0
I refuse, well, I refused to use an online dating site.  I refused until my sister, Jessie, came home for the summer raving about a dating website called “OkCupid.” And, after  constant praise for the site by my sister, I asked Jessie to help me set up a profile.  
At first, all I wanted to do was mock the site.  Three words that describe me? Bitter, alone and drunk.   But then, after brutally tearing the site apart, I had my profile viewed and, just like that, the possibilities seemed endless:  There would be white doves at my wedding and we would all laugh and reminisce about the time we spent viewing each others’ profiles before we actually mustered up the courage to instant message (we won’t get into how long it took us to actually meet up in person).  
This vision was followed by a wave of nausea as I looked at the profile picture of my husband to be: backwards baseball cap, flash in the face as he posed in front of a mirror holding his wife-beater up so the world could see his non-abs.  Well, that dream exploded violently in my mind; dove feathers everywhere. 
Well, after that let down, I decided it was time for OkCupid and I to have a trial separation after only a month of active use (I’ve never been one to have a relationship that lasts).  But the desire to find some online loving (and not the porn kind) drove me back into its cyber clutches.  And that’s when I found him – drfruitloop.  He’s from my hometown’s rival town.  He’s nothing like me.  He’s nothing that I want in a man but for some reason I was intrigued.  
We messaged, told each other secrets at odd hours of the day and waited impatiently for the next installment of our great affair to unfold on our browser page.  At least we did, until I got bored.  Like I said, we are nothing alike.  So it was only a matter of messages before we lost all interest in each other – or I lost interest in him.  Maybe I have love ADD.  The person I’m interested in needs to have flashing lights or something shiny on him at all times otherwise I’ll be distracted by the next great thing I come across.  Do they give medication for this particular brand of ADD?
This time, though, when OkCupid failed me, I decided to let it stay active because, for the shortest time, I felt something for another human being.  That was nice and reminded me of relationships of Olivia past.  So although drfruitloop and I didn’t pan out, at least I learned that this online dating thing might not be all that bad.  Let’s see where it takes me.

A single re-opening.

0
Honestly, nothing separates the events that I will transcribe here from those that every single female is probably going through.  I don’t want you to think that I’m trying to market these thoughts and experiences as brand new.  I’m not. Seriously, Sex and the City covers most of these things in a single episode.  This is just a day to day account of my trial and error approach to finding love.  
Finding love.  I make it sound like I’m going out after the Holy Grail (and, trust me, if that was the case I wouldn’t be single for long – have you seen young Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones? Hot damn.) when, in all actuality, I am doing what every single person in the world is doing: searching for and obtaining love, regardless of how true it may be.  I just hope that if I’m placing my encounters up here, for all to see, that I might be able to self edit, improve my techniques in the dating world. 
Alright folks, here we go, the start of something newer, something bloggier, and something better.  Stay tuned and be a part of my new love life as it starts.