I was in the back of Josh’s cab when I realized I was making a mistake.
I smelled like sweat, pizza, and Josh’s cologne. I had just come from work at the Pizza Place and my hair had something in it, pizza sauce I thought, and I was dying to just chill out with Josh at the end of the double I’d worked. So why was one of his hands up my shirt while the other tried to pull my hand over to his crotch?
And why, might I repeat, was I doing this in the back of his taxi cab?
So I stopped it. I just sat back, readjusted my bra, shirt, hair, and pants before I requested to be brought home. And I know he was mad, blue-balled to the extreme, and felt led on. But, in my time, I’ve come to realize that you don’t keep doing something when you’ve had an epiphany as clear as the one I had on that vomit-stained backseat. I just needed to go home and have that be the end.
I’m still not sure why Josh and I even started doing what we were doing.
Maybe I did it for the free rides. I mean, he’s a taxi driver and I didn’t have a car and I like to partake in drinking festivities that happen across the street from the Pizza Place. That was a pretty sweet deal, not having to worry about finding a taxi when bars closed.
But, I thought it was more for a little while. Or convinced myself it was more and that I needed it to be so.
And with a half-hearted wave to Josh as I closed the car door, I was single again.
I’m not sure what I was expecting. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t roses. Definitely not chocolates. Perhaps it was just some sign from someone, Romantic Jesus, I guess, telling me that this guy was the one that wouldn’t screw me over. This is the guy that wouldn’t let me down. This is the guy that would wake up and not be ashamed that he woke up in the same bed as me. But there was no sign.
It’s gotten significantly cooler.
Wait. Did you adjust the thermostat? Because now it’s hotter than a summer day in Hell.
Oh wait, apparently Hell has frozen over because it’s cold again.
Hot and cold. Hot and cold. I’m having hot flashes and I’m not going through premature menopause.
As always, my main ailment are boys. All boys have a tendency to do this. They will be into you one second and then BAM! they are as out of tune with you as Miley Cyrus is autotuned.
So why do they do this? If I could answer this question I would probably win some sort of Nobel Peace Prize or something. My main theory is that the moon needs to be in line with Jupiter and Uranus for him to consistently be interested. Another theory I’ve been working on is that maybe, if he doesn’t seem totally into you, that he probably isn’t totally into you.
I just watched “He’s Just Not That Into You…” so there is a 90.45% chance that my reasoning has be muddled with all that bullshit “exception theory” but they could be on to something despite how pathetic the girls in that movie are. He will totally be into you (none of that hot and cold nonsense) when he is actually interested in you.
Because this hot and cold nonsense has us reeling 24/7. When it’s hot we think that maybe he is into us. And when it’s cold, well, we just want to believe that he’s still interested, just busy.
So, not only do we have to deal with his mind games, we have to deal with our own. After cramps, over-analyzing things is another reason why it sucks to be a woman.
The only thing I can think of telling anyone in this situation to do, that may help, is do what I’ve done while writing this post. Pour yourself some wine from a box and listen to Katy Perry’s song “Hot N’ Cold.”
Ladies and Gentlegays!
Step right up! Have you ever felt that all you do is run after the boys you like? Can you remember the last time you were actually pursued? Then A Single Blog has the solution for you: ten, count them, TEN, simple tricks to get your guy to chase after you.
So gather round. Don’t push, don’t push. Pull up your chairs and share with your friends. And I implore you to try these untested methods of man baiting.
TEN WAYS TO GET MEN TO CHASE AFTER YOU (for a change)
10. Bacon Perfume: This might be a stretch but seeing as everyone loves bacon and girls already wear perfume to lure boys in then maybe A+B truly equals C. Maybe Bacon Perfume to get boys to follow after you is the right choice. And if your targeted boy is the earthy-crunchy, non-bacon eating type (why people don’t eat bacon is beyond me) then you can always summon them with the sultry scent of Tofu Perfume.
9. Give it the Good Old Fashion Caveman Try: Club him over the head and drag him behind you. This is for the more desperate of women but, if this is your last resort then, at least, he is following behind you. And kidnapping is a lesser offense.
8. Sneaky Bitch: Make him think he wants you by acting like you don’t think he’s the bee’s knees. CAUTION: This will backfire if you end up acting like a complete bitch. As one of the girls I interviewed about for this list said, “You want him to question himself. Force him to ask himself ‘do I like this girl?'” That may sound counter intuitive but if you look at any real love situation you’ll see that the guy isn’t always, necessarily, 100% sure of what he wants right away. It’s always about that chase.
7. Milkshake: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they are like it is better than yours is… or something like that. Either way I’m assuming that if I make a damn good milkshake then boys will be flocking to my backyard for a party. That has to be what Kelis was talking about. I’m sure of it. Try it out, let me know.
6. Be Easy going: Obviously this means that you need to be as low maintenance as possible. Don’t be like Alex and send all those obnoxious text messages... Independence is key to attracting guys – who wants to be with the clingy girl?
5. The Beer Can on a Stick Trick: This is a simple little project. Get the beer of your guy’s choice and tie it to a string that’s attached to a stick or fishing rod or something sturdy. Hang it behind of you and just out of your guy’s grasps. RUN! Look behind you! He will be chasing eagerly.
4. Pie in the Window: Learn to cook or bake. That’s it. Boys are controlled by two things: their stomachs and their penises. Both are easy to appease but one involves less work.
3. Sports Sandwich: Sandwich boards are relatively cheap to buy. So invest. Get a sign that, front and back, reads: “I’ll let you watch sports whenever you want and never complain!” Boom. And he’s off after you.
2. Video Game Seductions: Cut a hole in your backpack so that when you put a TV in anyone walking behind you can see the screen. Add a game console and casually drop a wireless controller in front of a boy as you walk away. He will want to play video games so badly that he’ll follow you to your house.
1. Sofia Vergara Suit: A little bit harder to obtain but it should work wonders. She’s hot. Hell, I would chase after her if I saw her walking down the street.
|It’s all fun and games until he grows up
to eat your boyfriend.