A single Pizza Guy.

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There aren’t too many moments when I have found myself swooning over a person that I’ve barely met.  That sudden rush, the flush of a cheek, the creaking and groaning of a heart getting back into the rhythm of an excited heartbeat – all of that has eluded me for sometime.  The first time that person smiles at you and you feel yourself inexplicably blush. It makes me feel giddy and like the sort of high school girl that I never acted like (I was the more sullen, introverted girl) It’s been forever since that feeling has hit me.

Then this guy walked into the Pizza Place and I started to swoon.

I’m going to begin this story by saying that I haven’t seen him since.  And I’ll probably never see him again but it was fun nonetheless.

He was homely, not someone who could walk into a Abercrombie shoot and be welcomed, but I tend to be attracted to someone I feel comfortable with and homely, in this scenario,

definitely coincides with comfortable. He reminded me of someone who would be portrayed in the movies as being an anime geek, trekky, or maybe A Big Bang Theory cast member.  That connection instantly had me thinking what dorky hobby he partook in and whether his walls had shelves lined with Totoro figurines.

He gave me his name, James or Jack or Jim or Jimmy, and I grabbed his pizza: A large buffalo chicken with bacon (and yes, I remember his order and not his name.  I have a weird way of remembering people by what they get at the Pizza Place).  I told him that I thought adding bacon to his order was genius.  He smiled.

I swooned.

Then he looked at my eyes and told me they were beautiful, touching my arm gently, before smiling again —

Swoon

— And walking out with the pizza. And I have no expectations from this slight flirtation in my day but it’s fun to think that it happened in the first place.  Do I wish that he’d come back, give me his number, take me out on a date, introduce me to his parents, propose, and marry me? I mean, sure, that’s an ideal situation right there.  But do I expect that to happen? No.  That would be crazy.  I might even be a little creeped out if it did happen at all.  That doesn’t mean a girl can’t dream.

Especially a girl with beautiful eyes.

A single Maddog.

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His name was Maddog.

That should be the end.

But it was St. Patrick’s Day and I was drunk – which means it was only the beginning.  

I’ve been viewing Maddog as the beginning of an era.  This time in my life I am dubbing: Grown Up Fun Time (GUFT). This is a big time in my life because, for the first time, I’ve been finding that I’m actually okay with making reckless decisions when it comes to just about everything in my life – including boys.  Seriously, this is a big moment for my introverted self.

But really, guys, can someone please just give me a “I’m proud of you”?

I’m proud of you! 

Thanks, self.

You’re welcome.

Anyways, it’s been a good few weeks since St. Patty’s Day – not because of all those imaginary boys lining up outside of my door – but because of all the fun I’ve had as I’ve become more carefree in my GUFT years.

So, who’s Maddog? Maddog is a man who walked into my bar, bought me a drink, and let me make out with him all around my hometown.  He didn’t care about my no sex rule.  He didn’t care.  He just wanted to have a good time.

(And can we just talk about the bragging rights that come with making out with a guy named “Maddog”? I feel like I get some semblance of street-cred with that one).

Easy enough.

Have a good time.

I think I might enjoy the GUFT years.

The Best 10 Pick-Up Lines

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The other night I saw some guy set his sights on a girl and, although I couldn’t hear what he said to her, I could tell he wasn’t really adept to the art of pick-up.

Listen guys, this is an art form. It’s all about the hints of cheesiness and sheer desperation. It’s not all about the vulgarity, although a little spice is never bad, and it’s never all about you – I should feel fantastic after hearing it no matter the level of corny it is.

In case you aren’t all that great with the subtle art form of picking up the ladies, I had my oh-so-creative friends give me their best lines for you, dear readers, to use.

And now, without further ado, let the humiliation begin!

NO. No, don’t do this.

 

10. Excuse me, madam, did you just fart? Because you blew me away!

You know, this one might actually work on me despite the fact that it’s so vulgar.  It makes a girl laugh.

DISCLAIMER: If the girl isn’t comfortable with her own bodily functions than she probably won’t find this so funny.  Those girls want everyone to believe they fart potpourri-scented glitter…they don’t.

9. If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha.

It makes me think of Kraft, that’s how cheesy it is, yet I smile every, single, time I read that one.

8. Are you from Tennessee? Because you are the only ten I see.

Don’t assume this line will work because you’ll make an ASS out of U and ME.

7. My name’s ________ but you can call me Boyfriend.

Just remember to actually put your name in there.  No one appreciates you simply saying “Hey, my name’s Blank.”

6. I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I’m sure if the girl is drunk/stupid enough she’ll even volunteer to help you go and find your lost number.

5. I’d rather be blind than see you walk away.

Oh, well, in that case, I guess I’ll remain right here…

4. That dress would look great on my bedroom floor.

If that’s not a panty-dropper I don’t know what is.

3. Are you a speeding ticket? Because you got ‘fine’ written all over you. 

You might get a speeding ticket for moving too fast with this great line.

2. I’m attracted to you.

This gem was submitted to me by my friend of the female descent.  I think it’s why it appeals to me so much – it’s exactly how a girl would hit on a girl.  It’s straight to the point.  It makes them feel good about themselves and they are sure that the complimenter is sincere.

Now if only more guys would hit on me like this…

1. I’m glad I have my library card because I’m checking you out!

Not going to lie, I only picked this one because it had something to do with a library.  My English-Majorness took over right then.  But, seriously, if a guy said this to me I would first demand to see his library card and then go home with him (whether or not he had that library card).

A single case of love ADD.

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There’s a 99.56% chance that I have ADD. Here’s why:

  • Can’t concentrate on one thing for long periods of time. 
  • Lord knows I can’t sit still. 
  • And if there is a shiny thing in the room then forget about it – You lost me the moment I saw a glimmer in the distance.

Thing is, my ADD applies to all parts of my life, including my love life.

I’m convinced that I can’t stay interested in the same boy for more than few months at the most.  It’s often the case that more than one boy has caught my interest at any given time.  I like variety.  I like bouncing back and forth between different prospects.

It could be argued that, yes, I might just be indecisive and generally like the smörgåsbord that I have created for myself but I think that still can be played up to my Love ADD problem.  


New, shiny men intrigue me (or special moments distract me).  I jump, hop and skip from one crush to the next because apparently my adderall isn’t a strong enough dosage. 


Like I said, Love ADD.  


And that other guy glimmer is not only horribly distracting but also ruining any chances that I might have at being in a relationship.  I can’t focus on one guy long enough to make a real relationship start because I constantly feel like there could be something better out there.  I almost always have two guys at once that I’m interestested in.


Maybe it’s a rational thing, though.  For instance, right now, I like one guy both on a physical and emotional level while I like another guy on a strictly emotional level.  And I think that I do this to ensure that I can find the best of both worlds until I can find one that fits both worlds the best.    It will be a long journey, I’m sure, but maybe I’m ensuring myself happiness.


But then again, I’m almost certain I’m just unable to sit with one man for more than a few weeks. 


Love ADD.


Yup. 


100% sure that I’ve got that one.



A single glance.

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Since the official opening of this blog I have done little to fulfill my mission.  That is, I’ve done nothing but sit back and complain without doing much more than logging onto a couple of dating websites.  But, OkCupid aside, what have I accomplished? Nothing.  
That’s why today was the day that I decided to do something and, since my hair was straight enough, that something was going to be…drum roll please… the room crossing, wordless interacting, stare. 
Keeping her prey in sight.
Photo from:http://4.bp.blogspot.com/
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That’s right everyone.  I did what all our mothers told us not to do when we were children.  I picked out the prettiest faces, even a few less-than pretty faces and made eye contact with them. 
From what I’d learned, through some quick online research, there are definite lines that shouldn’t be crossed when starting this eyes-only love kindling.  
First, there are the kinds of stares that you use.  Yes, there are kinds.  There’s the come hither stare, the “I’m feeling a little flirty” stare, and the wide-eyed “damn you’re sexy” stare.  Try to avoid the later.  You don’t want to look desperate and, in general, almost anything wide-eyed looks desperate.  
Then there is timing.  This will not be effective without acknowledging the fact that if you stare at someone for too long then you will undoubtedly transform into the outcast girl from “The Breakfast Club.” We don’t want that.  Contain that look into a three second period and, as almost every site and blog has agreed upon, look down and smile.  Then, after 15 seconds, look up.  If he is still perplexed and now staring at you, then go ahead, do it again.  Just don’t get carried away.  He might think you have some sort of tick if you keep looking up and down.  


My Results:
Let’s just say that I still get aw-struck when hot guys are around and, since I like hot guys, I was giving off too much of the “damn you’re sexy” look and too little of the “I’m feeling flirty.”  
This deer will get some
action with that stare.
Photo from: http://eword10.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/
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In my mind I was captivating every man that crossed my path.  One look and, bam, they fell for me.  One, two, three.  I counted it in my head and I heard every boy sigh with regret when, at three, I looked away.  But when I looked back up at them they would still be staring excitedly.  Close up on my eyes.  Close up on his eyes.  Double close up on our eyes. 
But, as I said, that was all in my mind.  For the most part I couldn’t get out of my head and therefore looked more like a confused deer trying to get some action.  This just proves that I’m not ready for this form of flirting.  That’s fine. I’ll just keep playing the online field in the minor leagues.