A single past (part 4 of 4).


Not a lot of people know Spike was a part of my life. He and I didn’t have a conventional relationship; or a relationship at all.  But he’s a major part of my past. Most people don’t know what knowing Spike did to me.

He was my mistake.  My selfish mistake: that’s exactly who he was for me.

When I look back, I realize that what I wanted more than anything was to lose my virginity.  Callous, I know, but I’m being truthful here.  You see, I had the ridiculous notion that I should wait to have sex until I finally fell in love.  But, as my more seasoned readers know, I wasn’t getting anywhere close to that point.  18 turned to 19, 19 turned to 20, and 20 turned to 21; I wasn’t getting any younger and I was afraid of becoming a prude with a dusty vagina after a lack of use.

Then Spike rolled up with this attitude that combined an angsty teenager with a puppy dog and I figured, sure, he’s younger than me but he’s also eager and into me (which was in short supply at the time).  I can learn to like/love him.  So we started hanging out, whenever I decided we would, until, one night, I decided to sleep with him.  This decision changed my life.

And no, I don’t mean that I was “awakened into my official womanhood.” I didn’t have a different swagger the next day.

Honestly, the moment that I did it, I regretted it.  Partly because I wasn’t in love.  I don’t know what the other part was but I still felt awful about it.   The next year or so I felt empty.  I clung to other people and relationships trying to get that feeling to go away.  Either way, we finished and I made him leave.  I felt sick over what I had just done.

I never called him after that.  I ignored all of his texts.  I cut him out of my life completely because I was afraid of what I was feeling.

It wasn’t long after that I got physically sick.  I was experiencing blood-loss that I mistook for a month-long period (which I thought was weird but didn’t think needed me to see a doctor; I assumed it was just stress).   This manifested into abdominal cramps that had me bed-ridden.  That’s when a friend forced me to see a doctor.  I only went because she promised to take me to Taco Bell afterwards.

I never did get that Crunch Wrap Supreme…

The rest is a blur but the gist was that my first time resulted in my getting pregnant but, no, I didn’t get knocked-up like a normal Katherine Heigl character.  I had an ectopic pregnancy;  I had to have emergency surgery;  I had to have my parents come and learn my mistakes; and all of this happened in about a six-hour window.

Needless to say, this is not my proudest moment.  A lot of people don’t know.  A lot of people still don’t know.  I’m not ashamed any longer…though it’s not a story I’m about to pull out at a party.  Spike hurt me the most out of all of the others, I’m stronger for what I’ve gone through.  I’m learning that my mistakes make me human and I shouldn’t be ashamed.  It’s part of who I am.  He’s part of who I am.

Spike and I don’t speak anymore.  We haven’t spoken since I told him about the pregnancy.  But I wish the best for him.  He deserved someone who actually wanted to be with him and wasn’t just looking for someone desperately seeking something she didn’t need yet.

I know Spike won’t be reading this but I need to have a platform to address him from regardless.  So, Spike, I’m sorry.  I never meant to hurt you.  You got caught in the cross-fire that was my foolishness.