The “Lucky One” came out recently. And in honor of this cinematic failure I thought I would pay homage to the man behind why 13 year old girls are destined to have poor excuses for relationships: Nicholas Sparks*. The man that gets a lady-boner whenever he hears the words “rain,” “marine,” or “Miley Cyrus.”
The man behind the magic, Sparky McSpark-Spark
10. A storm does not a relationship make. The man loves rain. He loves kissing in the rain, he loves fortifying relationships in the rain through traumatic events, and he loves starting relationships in the rain. He likes things wet. Oh, Mr. Sparks, you naughty man. . .
9. War! What isn’t it good for? People just don’t get killed when they go off to war in Sparks’ world. In fact, he doesn’t even want to waste his time with the mediocre soldier that is only doing it because he is fulfilling some sort of obligation to his country. No, he actually does kill off those soldiers because who wants the mediocre ones around? His characters are the man’s man. John (of the Dear, John, variety) is the only one that comes close to saying no to re-enlisting. But, soldier’s are Sparks’ wet dream. And boy, you can’t have a passionate relationship unless that boy was the best soldier out there first.
8. Southern hospitality. We get it Spark Plug: you love the south. Sweet tea and mint juleps for everyone! But since love only happens in the south, it’s hard for the rest of us Yankees (mainly me) to feel like we are ever going to get a chance at all of the good times. We just don’t have as many crab shacks to go to up here on our first dates.
7. Loner lover boys. Ever notice that these leading men have barely any friends or family? That’s not normal. These men are more focused on getting a girl than maintaining healthy relationships. It’s not okay to become so fixated on another person that you completely ignore all other aspects of your life. Which leads us to….
6. Sexy fixation. I don’t care how hot the guy is – it is not okay to become obsessed with a girl. GET A LIFE. It’s creepy. Stop walking across the country, dangling from a ferris wheel, and, please, stop jumping off piers.
Uh-oh, Mandy seems to have lost her sweater....
5. If you give a girl a sweater. If you give a girl a sweater, it is not like if you give a mouse a cookie. She will not ask for more.
4. Girls turned off/on. Why do girls have absolutely no power in these movies? I mean, really now, why must they all be slightly wounded and waiting for a man to save them. The only time a woman takes initiative is when she makes these men have sex with her. Listen leading ladies, sex doesn’t create an emotional band-aid to cover all your wounds, try seeing a shrink or take up kick-boxing.
3. Miley Cyrus. Why, Nick, why?
2. Nights in Rodanthe. See number 3.
1. El grande finale-e. It’s funny. I’ve never had a boy fix my boat’s engine, build me a telescope or rebuild an entire home for us to live in. But, Nicky (do you mind if I call you Nicky?), what happened to flowers or just really good sex? I don’t think the average man knows how to rebuild an entire house for me and if I waited for one that could, well, this blog might be around for a long ass time.
*Yes, I know, Nicholas Sparks only wrote the books. But I blame him for even coming up with these ideas. And no, I haven’t read all of his books, Dear John, was all I could bear to read and even that was like swallowing a wasp’s nest.