A single consolation prize.

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It’s there: that knee-high golden trophy that you’ve been working your butt off to get.  Maybe it’s at a party in a really nice pair of jeans or maybe it’s at the grocery store showing off a wicked sense of humor.  Either way, you’ve had your eyes on the prize and you know what you deserve.  You want to win.  You want to come out on top (or on the bottom, that’s more of a preference thing) and hold that trophy up for all to see.

That, generally speaking, is the basics of dating.  Wanting to obtain the other person, the trophy, to gain a sense of victory that is more fulfilling.  And sometimes its nice to think of yourself as the prize that is sought after.

It’s fun to picture yourself at a jousting tournament and that those knights are trying to knock each other over just for the privilege of having your handkerchief along with them when they go to battle.  But, when in real life, you look out and there is not a single guy laying himself out for your attention, it can be a little unsettling.

You can check your breath, your personal musk, and your general appearance but sometimes there’s just no suitor adding gifts to the piles left behind by your many other invisible suitors.

That’s bad enough.

Then there is the guy who chooses to come back to you because he got rejected by another girl.

At least if you win this consolation prize you get 10 bucks...

That’s worse.

Nothing says  “Hey, you aren’t that bad-looking” like  the dejected look on this guy’s face.  And sometimes you think this is the best you’ll get.  And you let yourself ignore the look.And just like that you become his consolation prize.

Being a consolation prize is a little like being in dating limbo, not a friend but not dating either.  You’re suspended in between the two.

So, how do we stop you from being stuck in this awful situation? Easy:

DON’T IGNORE THE LOOK.

Don’t subject yourself to this.  No matter how few men are knocking at your door, don’t let your guard down for a few haphazard kisses.  It’s never worth it.  No matter how much you like kissing or how good he is at kissing.

And for those of you who are consolation prizes or didn’t realize it until right now: go get mad.  Go hit balls.  Take a club and go to the driving range.  Get a bat and go to batting cages.  Hell, get a paddle and play a competitive game of ping-pong.  Just hit something round.  And then when he comes back with that pathetic look on his face you won’t hit him in his balls but you will say hell no.

And you’ll be free.  Free to find the guy that thinks of you like this:

A single knight.

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The ice coffee was sure to be the highlight of my day.  It was beautiful.  It was dark and caffeinated and held slight sweet undertones of hazelnut.  It was exactly what I needed after a slumber-less night; a treat before rehearsal.  I probably admired this coffee way to much. But I wanted to make this special vacation from my day as special as a Celine Dion concert would be to any heartbroken girl who had listened to “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” on repeat in a parked car.

I was so worked up about the prospects of a caffeine fix that I didn’t pay attention to the stairs that came up before me.  Fail.  I tripped and fell, hard, into the step with my knee.  That hurt.

But what hurt more was the sight of that beautiful coffee landing limply, it’s contents spilling out onto the blue-tiled floor.

“Watch out for that step!” A guy, standing with a group of his bros, yelled at me and then laughed.

I managed to stand but had to hobble up the rest of the stairs, leaving my coffee for dead as I did,  heart broken over the coffee and a sudden realization: Chivalry is dead.

What happened to the white knight?

What's that? A damsel has dropped her coffee! Quick! To her rescue!

We’ve been told, since childhood, that there will be a Prince Eric, a Prince Charming, a Prince Phillip or Prince Adam coming around eventually.  And I’m not talking a prince to come and save me from my wretched life.  I don’t want to be saved in that way.  I’m enough of a feminist to want some dignity when it comes to dealing with men.

I’m talking about having a guy offer to help you up when you fall, pick up your book and cell phone and maybe (in the ideal world) offer to buy you another coffee.  At the very least I’m talking about the guy who asks if you are okay.

That last one is a common courtesy sort of thing, but that’s almost as dead as chivalry, I’m pretty sure.

So now I’m stuck, in bed, with an ice pack on my knee and a bruised faith in both men and the general population.  So what do I have to say about that to you, dear reader? Just listen to this Celine Classic and this song about Schadenfreude from Avenue Q (yeah, I didn’t forget that I said I would post a song every time I blogged this week).  Oh, and maybe buy me an ice coffee the next time you see me.

A single smiley, part deux.

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This is my puppet soul sister, Kate Monster, from Avenue Q

There really isn’t much to add to my last post but I was listening to my iPod and the song “Mix Tape” from Avenue Q came on and I thought that it went along with what I was saying about over-analyzing every message a guy gives me.  I would have to say that if a guy gave me a mix tape like the one Kate Monster, the girl singing, gets, I would probably analyze it in similar fashion.

Also, if you’ve never heard the Avenue Q Soundtrack you should head over to youtube and check it out. It’s like listening to an adult version of Sesame Street. Granted, I’m really considering posting a song from the show with each of my blogs this week just because I can, so you could just stay tuned.   

A single smiley.

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It’s no secret that I hate to text.

There is nothing more annoying to me than having full-blown conversations with someone without actually

If someone could publish this book I might actually have time to sleep at night instead of obsessing…

saying a word.  I can’t get a sense of how the person meant the words to be read and that bugs me more than the fact that Kristen Stewart still manages to get roles outside of Twilight.

I hate texting because sometimes I feel like I need a decoder ring to figure out whether the guy I’m texting is interested in me or if he is carrying out a conversation with me out of obligation or niceness.  If I were to hold a conversation with a guy and he didn’t want to talk to me I would know the instance that the conversation began to drag or he was giving me that awkward stare that screams “Why is this weird girl still talking to me?”

But no, in a text I’m left to over-analyze every shortened word or smiley. Was that semi-colon and parentheses meant as a flirtatious wink or a “maybe if I keep smiling, the crazy person will stop attacking me” wink?  There are so many contexts that any smiley or LOL could have and there are not enough hours in the day for me to analyze them all, people!

When are they going to start selling a “Flirting via Texting for Dummies?” That’s what I, the girl stuck in the 1950’s, needs so I can get with the times.

A single temperature shift.

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It’s gotten significantly cooler.

Wait.  Did you adjust the thermostat? Because now it’s hotter than a summer day in Hell.

Oh wait, apparently Hell has frozen over because it’s cold again.

Hot and cold.  Hot and cold.  I’m having hot flashes and I’m not going through premature menopause.

As always, my main ailment are boys.  All boys have a tendency to do this.  They will be into you one second and then BAM! they are as out of tune with you as Miley Cyrus is autotuned.

So why do they do this?  If I could answer this question I would probably win some sort of Nobel Peace Prize or something.  My main theory is that the moon needs to be in line with Jupiter and Uranus for him to consistently be interested.  Another theory I’ve been working on is that maybe, if he doesn’t seem totally into you, that he probably isn’t totally into you.

I just watched “He’s Just Not That Into You…” so there is a 90.45% chance that my reasoning has be muddled with all that bullshit “exception theory” but they could be on to something despite how pathetic the girls in that movie are.  He will totally be into you (none of that hot and cold nonsense) when he is actually interested in you.

Simple.  Right?

Not quite.

Because this hot and cold nonsense has us reeling 24/7.  When it’s hot we think that maybe he is into us.  And when it’s cold, well, we just want to believe that he’s still interested, just busy.

So, not only do we have to deal with his mind games, we have to deal with our own.  After cramps, over-analyzing things is another reason why it sucks to be a woman.

The only thing I can think of telling anyone in this situation to do, that may help, is do what I’ve done while writing this post.  Pour yourself some wine from a box and listen to Katy Perry’s song “Hot N’ Cold.”

Ten Ways to Get A Guy to Chase After You

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Ladies and Gentlegays!

Step right up! Have you ever felt that all you do is run after the boys you like? Can you remember the last time you were actually pursued? Then A Single Blog has the solution for you: ten, count them, TEN, simple tricks to get your guy to chase after you.

So gather round.  Don’t push, don’t push.  Pull up your chairs and share with your friends.  And I implore you to try these untested methods of man baiting.

TEN WAYS TO GET MEN TO CHASE AFTER YOU (for a change)

10. Bacon Perfume: This might be a stretch but seeing as everyone loves bacon and girls already wear perfume to lure boys in then maybe A+B truly equals C.  Maybe Bacon Perfume to get boys to follow after you is the right choice.  And if your targeted boy is the earthy-crunchy, non-bacon eating type (why people don’t eat bacon is beyond me) then you can always summon them with the sultry scent of Tofu Perfume. 

9.  Give it the Good Old Fashion Caveman Try: Club him over the head and drag him behind you.  This is for the more desperate of women but, if this is your last resort then, at least, he is following behind you. And kidnapping is a lesser offense.

8. Sneaky Bitch: Make him think he wants you by acting like you don’t think he’s the bee’s knees.  CAUTION: This will backfire if you end up acting like a complete bitch.  As one of the girls I interviewed about for this list said, “You want him to question himself. Force him to ask himself ‘do I like this girl?'”  That may sound counter intuitive but if you look at any real love situation you’ll see that the guy isn’t always, necessarily, 100% sure of what he wants right away.  It’s always about that chase.

7. Milkshake: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they are like it is better than yours is… or something like that.  Either way I’m assuming that if I make a damn good milkshake then boys will be flocking to my backyard for a party.  That has to be what Kelis was talking about.  I’m sure of it.  Try it out, let me know.

6. Be Easy going: Obviously this means that you need to be as low maintenance as possible.  Don’t be like Alex and send all those obnoxious text messages... Independence is key to attracting guys – who wants to be with the clingy girl?

5. The Beer Can on a Stick Trick: This is a simple little project.  Get the beer of your guy’s choice and tie it to a string that’s attached to a stick or fishing rod or something sturdy.  Hang it behind of you and just out of your guy’s grasps.  RUN! Look behind you! He will be chasing eagerly.

4. Pie in the Window: Learn to cook or bake.  That’s it.  Boys are controlled by two things: their stomachs and their penises.  Both are easy to appease but one involves less work.

3. Sports Sandwich: Sandwich boards are relatively cheap to buy.  So invest.  Get a sign that, front and back, reads: “I’ll let you watch sports whenever you want and never complain!” Boom.  And he’s off after you.

2. Video Game Seductions: Cut a hole in your backpack so that when you put a TV in anyone walking behind you can see the screen.  Add a game console and casually drop a wireless controller in front of a boy as you walk away.  He will want to play video games so badly that he’ll follow you to your house.

1. Sofia Vergara Suit: A little bit harder to obtain but it should work wonders.  She’s hot.  Hell, I would chase after her if I saw her walking down the street.

A single rerun.

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Most people have an aversion to watching an episode of their favorite show when they’ve already seen it.  Reruns take over many channels in the next couple of months, as seasons end, and, since I’m obviously not normal (can we say “Ginger?”),  I’m super excited.

I love reruns.  Reliving the action and heartaches that I was so enthralled by the first time around; It’s the added amount of suspense in knowing what is about to happen.  Seeing Kate standing on top of the roof, smiling and joking with DiNozzo and Gibbs after being shot in the chest because she had that bullet proof vest on, and knowing she will be shot in the head at any moment – it’s what makes watching NCIS marathons on the USA network worthwhile.

Watching TV shows again and again bring me pleasure.  It’s a weird kink in my personality.  And it’s probably why I have similar tendencies in my dating life.  And why I watch way too much TV.

I’m a Rerun Dater.  I always go back to the same guys that I’ve dated before for the same reason that I go back to the same television shows that I’ve already seen: I want to be convinced that what happened before happened exactly like I remember it.  I want to rewind and relive that perfect kiss we shared.  Feel the same arms hold me the same way they did the last time they held me.  Or smile at the awkward first texts between me and him.

Ultimately these guys annoy me in the same way they did the first time we were together.  That just makes sense though.  When you watch a rerun nothing changes.  The episode remains the same.

That’s probably why I enjoy them though? Right.  They are the same.  I know that at one point they were human beings that I could like and who, potentially, had similar feelings for me.  Maybe it’s more out of laziness that I spark up these relationships repeatedly. I know I can easily get what I want.

All I know is that it’s not working.  I need to stop fearing the newer episodes, the unknown, and learn what happens as it happens.  Are there any perspective new boys in my life that I could do this with? Sure, there’s one.  I just need to be completely ready to change to his channel and stop paying attention to all the other reruns in my life.

Oh, and readers, welcome to the new season of A Single Blog (sorry about that hiatus).