A single guest.

1
My lovely friend, Molly, recently started her own blog about becoming single again – giving A Single Blog  a new persepctive for you, my weary followers, to read.  So enjoy – fresh out of Molly’s blog, Dumped.  A new voice to be heard in the Singlesphere.  Read this and then read more on her blog.  

Well it’s been about three weeks since I realized I was alone. I find the hardest part is realizing that you don’t have someone to tell anyone everything anymore. I see something that reminds me of them and I want to do what is normal and tell them. Unfortunately that is not possible. There is no one to tell because no one will understand the lost joke. You try to reach out to your friends about it but it’s not the same.
It’s hard to come to the conclusion that you need to take time to yourself. Maybe it’s ok not to tell someone everything about your life right now. You need time to recover. Time to be your own person. By not telling someone every single thing that happened to you today you have to process it on your own and understand your life a little better. This could help you realize things you may need to change or things that you are doing that truly are not you. 
I have realized that I depend on other people too much. I depend on other people to take care of me too much. I do like to be taken care of but I need to learn that living on your own for awhile will make you a stronger person. One with a harder backbone. 
I have struggled with this for awhile now and I am only beginning to be okay with not talking to someone before I go to bed every night or just to fill time. I have found other things such as what you are reading. And thankfully it hasn’t been mindless eating. 
There is nothing harder (that I have found) then losing someone that you love. But thankfully from the three weeks that I have been going through it, every day seems to get a little easier. If you are in the beginning stages I know this sounds like crap but I promise that it will get better. 

5 Ways to Get a Guy in Your Bed

0

It can be a craft to get a guy into your bed.  We’ve all been there – you make an excuse to get Boy into your room and then, you get there, and you’ve run out of clever ways to trick him to get him into your bed with you.

That’s why A Single Blog has compiled a list of tricks to get the man you desire into bed with you.


5. The “hook, line and sinker.”
Get a Hooker.  Put Hooker in bed. Tell Boy about Hooker.  Follow him to bed. Get into bed with Boy and Hooker.  Then you’ve got him, hook, line and sinker.

4. “I want to have sex.”
No explanation needed, apparently, guys like sex.

3. The “look over there!” maneuver. 
Cry “look over there!” and while he is looking away, strip off your clothes and push him into bed.

2. “Kegs in beds.”
Boys like beer.  Boys like lots of beer. A keg has lots of beer. Get the keg in the bed and everything else will fall into place.

1. The old “bacon in my bed” trick. 
Sometimes the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.  If you couple man’s strange desire for bacon at all sorts of time then you can easily get him into your bed just by putting a nice crispy strip under your pillow.  Wait for him to get the bacon in his mouth and then get on the bed with him.  Game. Set. Match.

Disclaimer: A Single Blog cannot guarantee the success of any of these tips.  Wear protection.  Don’t drink and screw.  Just kidding, drink and screw but wear a condom still.  No one, especially A Single Blog, wants to see the product of your drunken mistake.  Remember, no means no both ways.  Always make sure that  you ask your partner before having sex – no one likes a rapist.

A single snuggle.

0

Cuddles, snuggles and hugs are my thing.  I’m the little spoon by nature but will accommodate for the right party.  To me, there is nothing better than feeling like I’m being anchored by someone.  That’s why I’ve become a bit of a

Snuggle whore.

Doesn’t matter who or when – I will snuggle and, as is the case with most whorish behavior, I will snuggle as much as possible when I’m drunk.  God, I love drunk cuddling.  Love it.  Makes the buzz even better.

But I digress.

I often wonder what’s innocent and what’s, well, not.  When is a snuggle just a snuggle? How often am I just a warm body to the person I’m cuddling with and when am I more connected to the person with their arms around me?

I believe 95% of the time we just need a warm body – we need to feel comforted or just loved and that other person is just what we need (I would bump that percentage up to 98% if alcohol was involved).

The other 5% is rare and it’s often hard to decipher.  Both parties involved in the snuggle-fest would need to be absolutely certain that this was more than just a body spooning, hand holding ordeal.  And what if you misread the signs – what if it seems like it’s the 5% when it’s really the 95%? It’s hard to read.

This is all speculation.  I don’t have the answers – I often don’t.  I never know what percentile I’m in and I’m often left wondering the next morning if that little peck on the lips meant anything – although, by the time I get to brushing my teeth, I realize it was just a spoof, a slip up, a caught-in-the-heat-of-the-moment sort of thing.  And the warm body percentage stays strong.

I’m not delusional and I love cuddling the 95% regardless.

A single crank-pot.

0

I’ve been cranky this week.

If it had a penis I hated it.  If the penis was friendly I loathed it.  Castration was all I could think about whenever a boy came into view.

Why?

That’s easy – I’ve been feeling the single person’s blues.  The blues that you feel when friends around you are in emotional bliss over some significant person.  It’s not that I’m not happy for these friends but hearing about beautiful eyes and physiques can make any person a little bit crazy when I’m sitting here still very much not seeing anyone.

This is what makes me into what my sister calls “a crank pot” – when a person is particularly difficult, mean or bitchy.  And I’ve been a super crank pot this week.  Those single girl blues be getting me down.

I think we’ve all been there at some point or another.  Which is why I’m providing my official…

Crank-Pot Aversion Recipe:

You will need – 

  • One bottle of Jameson
  • Adele CD

Open the bottle of whiskey.  Turn on the tunes and drink at least 2 shots per song.  Once the CD is over, finish the bottle, go to bed, wake up with a hangover and get over the single person’s blues.   

This is a simple recipe that yields effective results.  You won’t hate your friends for being happy and might even be able to be happy for them as well.


Crank-pot out.

A single symposium.

0

This past weekend was one of those roller coasters – you know the emotional sort.

And whenever I feel a little out of sorts, because of confused feelings or uncertain longings, I always find myself drawn to one book and one book only: The Symposium by Plato.

I lost you at, Plato, didn’t I? I know how it sounds – a little pretentious with a side of god awful and boring.

It’s none of those things.  Not even close.

It’s all the great minds of Plato’s time coming together to discuss the origins of love.  How can you hate that? Hm?

I’ve always been drawn to one particular speech within the text: Aristophanes’.  In which, Aristophanes looks at the history of the human race and how we came to need a partner in life.

Since some of you might still not go out to Barnes and Noble and buy this book to read – I’ve decided to give you the low down – consider this A Single Blog’s version of Spark Notes.

Here we go:

Basically the entire human race started out looking a little bit different than what we are used to seeing today.  Back then everyone was round and they had two sets of everything – arms, legs, heads.  Each body was made up of two genders: man & man, woman & woman, and woman & man.

They were madly in love with the other head they shared their body with.  And, since they shared a body and had so many legs and arms to spare,  these odd looking people would cartwheel around.  They were super powerful and super fast and super conceited  and the Gods became angry.  They wanted to remind the humans that they were, indeed, human.

So the Gods decided to split up the humans, making them more vulnerable.  Now, when they did this, the beings were scattered around the world, away from their mate, and the halves longed for each other. They didn’t know what do do without their partners.

Many of the beings died – they wouldn’t eat, sleep or move without their loved ones – but some were more fortunate than others.  Some found their other half and when they did they wrapped their arms around that person and never let go.

According to Aristophanes it is in our nature to constantly search for our other half – that person is male or female based on the original gender you are from.  


There is nothing in this world that gives me more hope than Aristophanes speech because, according to him, I’m doing the right thing – I’m doing what comes natural to me.  I’m searching for my other half.

A single roll.

0
The following is based on a true story.  Names have not been included in respect of the participants.
Some scenarios were changed for artistic purposes.
But it did happen.  Just not exactly like this.

She had eaten sushi before.

She must have known basic sushi-eating etiquette.
Yet, when a friend of mine took her out to eat, she stared dumbly at the plate, then up at my friend, then back at her plate.  
That roll lying limply in front of her looked tempting enough to eat but she remained hesitant to eat it.  Could she just stick the whole piece in her mouth without looking like a fool? Probably not.  
So what does home-girl do? She bites into the sushi.  
Don’t do that.  It’s like watching a woman in a horror movie go into the basement, don’t do that either.  But especially —
Don’t

Bite

Into

The 

Sushi.

It’s not going to make anyone look less-foolish.  Trust me, it just doesn’t.  
As this girl bites into the piece, she realizes that the whole integrity of the piece was ruined.  Tuna scatters onto her plate and lap – soy sauce begins to slowly drip from her chin.  
And the act is over.  She is now looking like an idiot.  A big ol’ soy sauce-dripping-from-her-chin idiot. 
Now comes the morals of this story (there are two):
1. If you aren’t comfortable enough to eat sushi with the boy then maybe you shouldn’t be dating him to begin with.

2. If you can’t eat sushi properly while on a date then you probably aren’t confident enough to be dating at all.

Just stick the whole fucking piece in your mouth and chew, save us all the agony of watching you eat sushi like an idiot.  End of story.

How can you try to bite into this face? Save a panda: Eat sushi right.
Photo from: http://thesuiteworld.com/
wp-content/uploads/2011/07/
sushi_panda_art_theSuiteWorld.jpg





Top 10 Things Boys are Useful For

2
Thanks k8mac for the photo of
Stoop Kid!
http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/
hprofile-ak-snc4/
50495_27190470959_634_n.jpg

My roommates, Kim, Ruchi and Chief, were stooping outside with me earlier today.  

Stooping: the action of sitting on one’s stoop for extended periods of time.  
Stoop kid’s afraid to leave his stoop!

Any who, we were stooping while discussing my next blog post.  That’s this blog post for those of you who aren’t keeping up.  And since some boys in our lives right now are misbehaving we decided we would somehow find all the ways that boys were actually useful.
If we could actually find reasons as to why boys were useful then maybe we wouldn’t want to hate the entire sex.
So here we go.  
The house of 567 is pleased to present: 
THE TOP TEN THINGS BOYS ARE USEFUL FOR

10. Lifting heavy things: Have you ever seen that Planet Fitness commercial where the guy is looking into buying a membership for a gym and all he says is “I pick things up, I put things down” ? That’s all we want boys to do.  We want them to lift up our refrigerators, televisions and heavy boxes of books and move them into our rooms.

9. Building or putting things together: Let’s be real, I might be able to put that bookshelf together but I don’t want to.  
8. Fixing cars: I don’t want to pay to do this.
7. Consuming food: Sometimes I want to try a new recipe and, although I’m an accomplished chef, it doesn’t always come out the way it’s supposed to – that’s why I need you, Boy, to eat the bad tasting food so it doesn’t go bad. 
6. Driving places: I just don’t always want to drive places but I want to be driven.
5. Keeping me safe: There will be scary noises at times.  Boys are great at investigating noises and, if they die doing it, then I get out alive. 
4. Entertainment: I’m bored.  Let me chat up, call up, or text some guy so he can come over and do something stupid to entertain me.
3. Paying for booze/clothes/dinner/movies – “Yo girl, I’ll buy you thangs.”  Okay, that makes my credit card happy.  
2. Getting rid of bugs:  That’s a big bug.  Boy, come kill it.  Good Boy.
1. Sex:  Unless they aren’t good at it, in which case, they are totally useless.