A single lie.

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It’s 1:21 AM and I’m still awake, even though I have to get up for work in the morning.  Why am I guaranteeing myself a grueling day at work tomorrow? 


So I can have a “second date” with a guy I met online.

Why the quotation marks, you may ask? To emphasize the fact that this date is happening through instant messaging.  

Is it a real date? Not in the traditional sense.  Although, I made a sandwich and poured a glass of wine to make it feel like he took me out for a romantic dinner while we talked. But this date is happening over cyberspace and I doubt he would have taken me to a nice McDonalds if we had physically gone out.  

A lie is a terrible thing to waste
on the first date.

Photo from:
http://richde.files.wordpress.com/
2010/12/liar.jpg
The pros of this kind of date are that there are no awkward silences or thoughts (does he like my dress, what should I order, why does he keep staring at me blah, blah, blah).  You can’t see the person and therefore are more likely to be a better conversationalist; more truthful even.  

The cons are that you become more truthful.  

Sometimes the other party forgets that these are considered dates.  They aren’t trying to change the course of the conversation based on reactions because they can’t see your reactions. To sum this up – they forget to lie. 







A general rule of thumb for the online date:

If you wouldn’t share something with someone on a real first date then don’t share it on an online first date.  For example: If you wouldn’t tell me on a real first date that you recently convinced two girls to come down from upstate New York to spend the weekend with you (winky face) then don’t tell me just because we are on an online first date.  


I won’t be impressed.  

Just because you can’t see my reaction doesn’t mean I’m not looking with disgust at my screen.  I can still judge you, even over the internet.  

Other things I don’t care to hear about until at least the 110th date:
  • How your bodily gases remind you of what you ate last night for dinner
  • Judgements about my chosen career path (right, I’m an English Major, I know I’m going to be poor and I don’t need you to tell me)
  • The number of girls that you have miraculously convinced to sleep with you
  • The lies you used to convince those poor girls to sleep with you
  • Anything pertaining to your porn of choice

The list goes on but you get the gist. 

Keep it clean, keep it fluffy, keep the truth away from me.

A single talk.

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Beware the Jabber Mouth,
my son….
Photo from:
http://www.montet.org
/WTC/Dreamweaver_I/images/
classimages/jabberwocky_small.jpg

I’m going to say it and I’m probably going to sound shallow but I’ll risk it for you, blog world, I want to talk about myself.
Pretty obvious, eh? Seeing as I do have a blog and force you all to read my every thought.  But regardless, it seems boys just don’t give a damn about what I have to say on dates.  Sure, I want to get to know you and sure, I want to let you talk to but what about me?  I like to talk and I like talking about myself.  
Where’s the justice boys? 
Share the love and leave some mystery.  I don’t want to learn everything in the first  five seconds.  This isn’t speed dating – we have all night and, hell, if I like you we’ll have a couple of nights – so don’t give it all away up front.  
If you want to talk about yourself endlessly then get a blog, a diary or person in a coma to confide to – when we’re on a date it better be a conversation and not a 5 hour monologue.  Already this week I have given up on three potential applicants because of their incessant and self-centered jabbering, who has the patience for that?  You probably can figure out that these applicants were not asked for a second interview.  
And guys, in case you are unsure of how to tell if you are talking to much, here’s a little rule of thumb: if I finish my plate of food and you still haven’t touched yours, then you are talking too much.

The Do’s and Don’ts of the Online Dating Profile

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Alright, I’ve been doing this OkCupid thing long enough to see some common mistakes in the online dating profile.  I’ve decided to list them here for you today so that, if you ever find yourself in the realms of the online dating world, you won’t make the same mistakes as these poor souls.
DO: Put a picture of yourself, a loved pet or you in a quirky setting/scenario
DON’T: Have pictures of you without a shirt on taken in the bathroom mirror.
Oddly enough, I don’t want to sleep with you on the first date.  So, as a rule of thumb, I don’t want to see your half-naked body before the first date either.  
DO: Be witty when describing yourself.  
The more creative, the better you come across to others.  It shows that you have personality.
DON’T: Start off by saying “I don’t really know what to say about myself.”
If you don’t know how to describe yourself to others then maybe you should take some time learning about yourself before you try to date others.
DO: List off your activities, likes and dislikes, and interests.  
DON’T: Include your profound interest in “finding and catching them bitches.” 
Obviously that hobby isn’t working out for you, otherwise you wouldn’t be on this site.
DO: Write the way you speak in a day to day conversation.
DON’T: Use words that you don’t know the meanings of – it definitely doesn’t help your cause using those big words you don’t know how to pronounce. 
With the convenience of Google these days I can easily search a word and find out that you’re a dumbass. 
DO: Use proper grammar and punctuation.  It’s not hard to do and it makes your profile easier to read and comprehend.
DON’T: Be annoying.  
Yeah, I didn’t have anything else for why you should use grammar so I thought I would sum everything up by saying this.  Trust me, this is the best piece of advice I can give.  If you are annoying in your profile then no one is going to date you.  

A single filter.

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I have a problem.


A big problem.


It’s one of those personal problems that I feel compelled to tell the internet about.  I, dear internet people, have no filter.  None.  At all.


What’s that? You don’t think this is a problem? Oh, you are sorely mistaken.  During the average day I will have probably told at least 20 things that I shouldn’t have said to 20 separate people, I will leak national secrets and I will go too far when joking around with friends.


The first two examples might be slight exaggerations but the last one is a big fault of mine.  I don’t have a stop sign anywhere near the part of my brain where all my “witty comments” emerge from.  That’s why writing works for me, I can edit everything that comes from that area of the brain.

Just another day miming my feelings.
Photo from: http://28.media.tumblr.com/
tumblr_krc83yO4qV1qa12hvo1_250.png

Needless to say, this is not helping my love life either.  I start talking to a guy and I keep talking, I make cracks about his clothes, his personality and job (all in good fun) and POOF! he’s gone.  Is it possible to find a man that has a filter built for two? Someone that just doesn’t mind all my wise cracks and judgements because it gets filtered as it goes into his brain? That would be awesome.  I’ll take four.


Lately, I haven’t been super active on the dating scene but when I do go out there it usually ends with me downing my drink and walking away from a guy that has lost complete interest in me because of my motor mouth.


Then there’s the online dating aspect – remember when I said I like being writer because I filter myself through editing? Well sometimes I forget to turn on my self-edit. Lordy! I’ve got such issues.  It’s so much easier to make fun of the guy when he has a whole profile of material and lives 114 miles away. And it’s all fun and games until the man signs off.


That’s it, I’m going to become a mime — although, knowing me, I’ll probably learn some unfiltered gestures to offend people with.


Well, if there’s a man for everyone, maybe I’m just filtering out the one’s that can’t handle me.